Monday, April 15, 2013

From Ketchup…Stomach Flu From Hell

**Disclaimer: This blog post was written at 2:30 am in the heat of the moment…I love my hubs and I appreciate him greatly. I was sick, irrational, and well isn’t that when the BEST blog posts are created?? We, in the Ketchup household have just finished a utterly oobertastic round of the stomach flu which rocked our home starting Friday, 3/29, and hitting me the day before my birthday, 4/2, and wrapping up a week after the Bacon crew rolled in. Soooo in all fairness…yeah!
 
Stomach flu...God's marital challenge. What kind of spouse did you marry?
 
"Mom!" Yelled over the baby monitor at 1:30am ... is most likely the worst and only time you dread hearing your name uttered, well...other then when you FINALLY sit down on the couch, after putting the kidlets down for bed, with a big fat bowl of ice cream...ready to dive in. Alas, you are ripped from your sweet, sweet slumber only to just make it to the bedside (or in my case the crib side) ready to catch the putrid vile sludge that escapes the lips of your wee tot! So is the life of a mom dealing with the stomach flu! Oh you stomach flu rot in hell why don't you!!!!! Rot.in.hell.
 
Sitting on the toilet after just holding the bowl for your 3 year old vomiting son while you shoot bullets out your own ass rear you can hear your spouse snoring in the next room! To kill him or not? Is he the snoozer or is it you?
 
The only thing worse then having to catch and clean up this vile sludge is having to return to bed (your stomach in knots for you are still suffering from the nights past stomach trauma of your own) only to find your sweet spouse literally taking care of the forest...sawing logs!
Could.kill.him.in.his.sleep... I'm convinced at this point the only reason I don't put all of us out of our misery is pure exhaustion and the fact that the aforementioned stomach trauma of your own has left you weak and feeble and therefore you are likely unable to successfully carry out the deed because of your own malnutrition! Who wants to screw that up, am I right? You probs only have one chance to get that shit right before he catches on! Right??!!
 
So you return to bed trying to fall asleep (whilst your stomach gurgles away trying to reformat your giga hard-drive) and you wonder if you ever truly loved the slumbering sloth next to you...will.refrain.from.bodily.harm. You will! The authorities will only take your children and now surely you've earned that shit...I mean the right to care for them entirely. I just caught throw up for crying out loud!!! For the 3rd time tonight alone!!!! Damn. Andplusalso, the stomach flu for you and both your kids on your birthday is truly a gift that keeps on giving!!! (See what I did right there?? Keeps on giving! HA!)

Funny Confession Ecard: I don't want to sleep like a baby. I just want to sleep like my husband.
Word.
 
Very early on in our marriage, long before kids, the hubs and I made a deal that I would handle the majority of the poop and he would handle all things voms related. (This is a topic I feel all couples planning to have a family should discuss before kids). Well although the ratio of poo to voms is entirely swayed he has definitely had to deal with the poo factor…however, I have dealt with far too much voms…I’m not the voms handling parent gosh darn it!!!

1 comment:

  1. Ugh! I hope everyone is feeling better soon! Our son had a tummy bug when he was 8 months old. Vomit is definitely a two parent job! Someone needs to clean the baby while the other cleans the mess.

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